To Be Honest…

To be honest with you, I am struggling with the idea of chronicling my struggles as an artist and my personal life. To be honest with you, I am worried that the impact such honesty will have on me personally and my career. To be honest with you I am terrified of giving so much away of myself that others can criticize and say things to cause me more pain than I am already feeling. Maybe I should just feel the fear and do it anyway. That’s one of those things people say. To be honest, I am petrified of being seen as a complete and utter failure.

Stuff it. No one’s life is easy. All suffering is relative and worth talking about. Better in the context of problem solving rather than complaining. That’s what I always say. That’s why my blog is mostly empty. One post this year I think. A disgrace. The reason, I don’t feel comfortable complaining, but lately, that seems like all I have to talk about. complaints. Isn’t it funny how when life knocks you down, all those friends are no where to be found? Ha bloody ha. Hilarious.Times like this you know who your real friends are.

I am going to be real about my situation for a change. For what purpose? I don’t know, other than purging myself to an extent. I am not even touching the sides in terms of what has gone on this year in the Damoah family. Shit has hit the fan big time for all of us. I am tired of pretending that I am fine, THAT WE ARE FINE. Why do we do that? Why are we socialised to always say “fine thank you” when someone asks how we are? Is it because we are afraid to complain because there are so many other people far worse off? There are people with no arms and no legs who go round doing motivational talks about how great their life is and how lucky we are to be alive in this wonderful abundant universe. The classic one, there are people starving in Africa. What about homeless people? At least you have a place to live. Food and water. Electricity. Etc etc etc. Blah blah. Hold your gratitude rock. Do affirmations. Live in the attitude of gratitude. Read motivational quotes. I keep striving, keep making phone calls, keep coming up with new ways to make money, keep promoting my work, keep looking for representation, keep building the Damoah brand. Never give up. Never give up.This is what I have been telling myself to do. This is what I always advise others to do. I want to SCREAM. If I was to be honest the answer would be “I am bloody terrible and there have been times when I have contemplated suicide. There have been times when I am in a really dark space in my head. There have been times when I have wanted to jump of a bridge with a noose around my chubby neck. There have been times when I have felt completely impotent when shit was hitting the fan so hard in my family that I felt like all I could see hear and smell was repugnant sh*t. I need help. We all need help. Can you please help me?” Yep, and that’s just the tip of the ice berg.

If you don’t have anything nice to say better not say anything at all. Why the hell not? No one cares anyway. So what is really the point.

Rant over.